I CAN COOK!!!

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Pavarotti makes sex so much better

Hey, it's a quote from a movie (but it's also deadly true!)

Oh man, I am so freakin' hooked on elance.com. You can get so much accomplished, so easily. Wicked easy. Wicked fast.

I get doling out jobs - design a website, build an EMR system, organize my finances, authorize surgeries, answer my phones - and people keep saying "yeah, i'll do that."

So, then, I have to think of new things to do with myself. I want to work out, I want to write ad copy for some other stuff, I want to research best-sellers since I desire to write one, there's those languages I've been meaning to pick up and on and on and on.

Suddenly all these desires and dreams that seemed unattainable once I returned to this (greatly overvalued) real life of mine and the crap kept piling up. Other people's crap, no less. Quelle horreur!

Lol.

Okay, i need to nap. Apparently my raging infection has been throwing WWIII within my body and i've been cooking along at 100 degrees for the last few days.

I return to convalescing.

camille

If I love you, I'll call you Lotus

or Elise. Pick one.

I'm not feeling altogether hot, but I"m taking it easy. Being effective as hell from home. Really, they pay me to do this...

Saturday afternoon I'm going for a nice, long winding drive in my about-to-be-new baby Elise. Lotus Elise, that is. We have a sympatico I've not known with other cars (at least not in the last 2 months). Really, this is LOVE!

I just spoke with my newest Godfather, a car lover himself, with a lotus or two in the garage about how to buy, what to expect yadda yadda yadda. He was so happy I wanted one and was talking to him about it. It was really nice. We bonded a little more.

Okay, I'm off to figure out what sort of business I can run with an absolute minimum of effort.

Another One Bites the Dust

Watching Californication...no wonder so many employers feel like they can fuck their employees.

Wait, they are reenacting a scene from Secretary. I remember the first time I saw Secretary. I cannot share the details, but let's just say it was hot as shit in the theater in the Castro. S spanking...oh lord.

Quote of the night (and there have been a few) "WHAT? Don't you Knock?"
Response: "Huh? Don't you Lock????"

Fantastic.

So, I had to put a prospective friend on the curb today. he kept asking about my boyfriend and being invasive and c-r-a-z-y! I mean, I had to tell this fella to quit asking me questions because they weren't any of his business, had nothing to do with our friendship blah blah blah. I mean, FRIENDS. Not lovers.

I'm going to take a moment to rant here: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MARRIED DUDES? I just want to say, hold off on the marriage thing. I'm on the boat with dan savage, marriage in your 20s is generally a bad idea. Sure, through sheer determination and willpower you can STAY married but, yeah, you're probably going to be swimming through levels of shame and misery t-minus 5 years in. No matter what a banger you marry.

I see this time and time again. Fabulous woman, good enough fella, early marriage, life, pressure, and a diamond is not created, a fucking edifice of stone is constructed! And then it's all chasing tail and illicit adulterous affairs or fantasies thereof. I really wish people were more honest with themselves and one another.

I'm no critic of chasing tail and affairs - but unless illicit is your fantasy - in which case you and the wifey can playact that shit out - illicit is nasty and leaves a stain on the soul. Makes you feel ugly in little places that matter a lot.

Secrets can be sexy. Mystery is a turn on. But all this sneaking is for the dogs. Or maybe i'm truly not properly american. i've been corrupted by a childhood in Europe and there is no going back. Because I look at all this shit, men hiding the fact that they are...ummmm...MEN and women locking down the fact that they are (here's a real shocker) WoMEN is enough to make me sick.

Quietly, I need more men to cop to enjoying the occasional homoerotice stimulation as well, since I'm putting together a wishlist for the betterment of all mankind and whatnot.

Back to Weeds..

The Great Assistant Search & Weird Relationships

First off, I'm addicted to fucking Kerli wasserface, MGMT, and Danny Elfman. I am similarly addicted to the Savage Love Podcast. At least once a day I nearly cough myself to death laughing at the callers. I keep trying to think of something to call about, but all I can think of is "Dan, you're the best. If you ever slip up and want a woman, let's give it whirl!"

Wait, my fave call was today, episode 80-summat. This lesbian calls in and says she stole her best friend's wife and they are soul mates, but it ended the friendship and now she dreams about her best friend. She tried to contact the friend via a mutual friend and the ex-bf got so upset that she ended the friendship with the go-between (disembowel the messenger!) So, Dan's response is...

"Fuck You. You stole this woman's wife and you still want to keep your fucked up emotional meathooks in this woman and she wants to move on with her life. You got the girl and the price you paid was LOSING YOUR BEST FRIEND you whiny, crybaby, codependent asshole! Leave her ALONE."

Yeah, I was in the shower when I heard that and nearly had one of those made-for-tv slip n' falls in the tub. Fist pumping and all that jazz. Where are the g-damn boundaries? People need boundaries.

On an unrelated, but somehow relevant note, I've decided to farm out my life. I suck at work mainly because I'm more interested in the higher-level functions of work - developing and executing strategy - i would rather undergo another surgery with insufficient pain medication than listen to one.more.fucking.patient rifle through a calendar to see if a surgery date "works" for them, or answer another insipid question from my receptionist of questionable intelligence, or put out yet another fire for my scatter-brained boss/boyfriend. I think most people are given too many options, hence my inclusion of this video from Google Speaker's Bureau:

..

So, I'm on elance and letting people bid to do my paperwork. Take it all. I'll fax it, answer the occasional question for clarification purposes and not think about it any more.

Another weird relationship note: I have unwittingly been fueling fantasies. You know, I vowed to be more social, to experience more of life with this new, improved body/life of mine and thus far it's been interesting. This morning I got one of those weird phone calls from someone wracked with guilt over fuckall. I mean...nada, nothing. Wracked with guilt over lunch and a hug. Seriously, I just saw myself as a listening ear and friend for someone who was obviously on a search for something greater than the life he'd constructed. Apparently I was seen as hot, tawdry mistress material. If only people new how totally non-tawdry I am. I mean, my latest-greatest underwear purchase were Hanes bikini briefs and I must say they are a miracle of textile engineering. I love them. I will buy more tomorrow.

All of this exhausted me because I am suspecting that for all the resting and recovering I've done for the past year, I'm not out of the woods. I mean, I'm not actively ill or pained or cleaning sutures, but I'm easily tired and prone to "overdoing" it.

Oh yeah, does anyone know how levi's fit girls with asses? I shall post a link to my new favorite-looking jeans that I might purchase at the end of this week. I'm trying to decide on a size and may have to ask my alterationist to take my measurements, unless my little sister (who has a secret passion for sewing, wtf?) can do it.

http://us.levi.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3152310&cp=2069959.2075212.2075218&parentPage=family

I heart this song

Came to work today to give myself a break from reading novels. I finished Tempest Tales by Walter Mosely (it was hilarious and inspirational, there is nothing the man has written that I've not read and loved and admired deeply) and got back into Gods Behaving Badly, which has gotten uber funny.

The line I left on:

Would raping you harm you? (Apollo)

Huh? (Alice - cold fear gripping her heart)

If I raped you, would it harm you? (Apollo)

Yes. It would harm me. (Alice)

Well, then you should leave. Don't forget your bag. (Apollo)

Hilarious. Really. The context is that poor Apollo has been hit with one of Eros' arrows and is in love with the mortal Alice. But Eros didn't have the heart to see through the rest of the plan and make Alice hate Apollo, so instead Apollo is in love and Alice is blissfully unaware.

Did I mention that Eros is now a born-again Christian? When his mother, Aphrodite, put him up to hitting Apollo with the arrow he actually asked "What would Jesus do?" Such a good time