Gift to Me Forever

I just finished writing out my maid of honor toast for the wedding in Belize I won't be attending today. I think I did a fair job. I was mildly confused cause I didn't know if I was supposed to have something for the bride and groom, but since I'm in the hospital, I took license and did as I pleased. I wrote to my best friend, the Bride, inserted a comment to the Groom from my grandmother, then finished up with an e.e. cummings poem as dedication to my friend from all of us whe were unable to be present for our myriad reasons.

All in all, I think it went well, but it did make me cry, my one moment of true disappointment as I enjoy the affects of rapidly improving health: that my imnprovement has not been fast enough to allow me to stand with my friend on her joyous occasion. Obviously she will have to have another ceremony so I can attend and put the Earth back on its axis.

Grandma is getting her fill of trashy news coverage. She is a junky for CNN and Fox News Network and their ilk. For some reason learning the overhyped idiocy of others really engages her and makes her toes tingle. And she's a little hard of hearing, so the agreement we made was that I would ignore the talking box by listening to music and she would keep it at an acceptable decibel level. She forgets, though, and ratchets up the volume on the most inane stories until I have to request again that she lower the volume.

Now I understand why my homegirl Kimmie put herself to bed and has refused to leave in the two days since her mother and grandmother's flew back out of town for the holiday. It's exhausting...

i'm going back to my pre-vitals-activity of napping. Then I'll call Kimmie and see if she's come back from the great beyond of 'family time.'

~c-dub

I’d Like to Try to share a Kiss or Two with You

This love endeavor/don't have to last forever/

Courtesy of Alice Smith.

There isn't that much going on in these parts. Oh, Cornelius came by and hung out in the hospital room for a while. He brought me two TWO books to read. He brought me Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman and Twilight by somebody Meyer. Cornelius is a teacher and he lets his students choose the books they want to read (not revolutionary, but all the middle-aged teachers who thought their predecessors were nutjobs for allowing children self-determination are running scared. Essentially, as Cornelius and my Grandmother (a former college educator concluded) teachers are becoming obsolete.

I would ammend that: Good teachers are dynamic and always in demand. Mediocre teachers are obsolete and have been for as long as they have been in existence. They encourage young minds to give up early because hard work is, well, too hard. Teachers are not the only culprits, parents are equally guilty and one cannot assign too much blame to peers - of couirse kids want to get out of school/homeWORK etc. early, they don't see that one day they will be dreaded adults and need all those skills they skipped over in school, by their own volition or the ignorance of their parents, teachers and guardians.

A great teacher sets a student's soul aflame either with soft puffs of knowledge or rip-roaring flames of enthusiasm. A mediocre teacher is a wet towel in the rain. I've had the good fortune to have some fantastic teachers: Mrs. Edwards in the third grade appealed to my inner bottomless pit of a stomach by giving out free personal pan pizzas (Book It!) when a student read 6 books. I read six books in a week to get my weekly pizza and my total dedication to the joy of eating and reading let to my class winning the Book It prize for the school - a Free Pizza Party. That's a GREAT Teacher.

On the other hand, I had Ms. Sally Scudder in high school and she was a mediocre teacher with the political connections to get access to extremely bright students. She did give me a great quote. As she started our first class she said "Until this day you have dealth with challenges, not problems. I am going to introduce you to problems and many of them you will not be able to solve."

I thought that was brilliant. But she failed in her calling not because her subject matter was difficult, but because she allowed her own prejudices and emotional imbalances to exclude students who were not part of her and her family's social circle. She discriminated and thus became a mediocre teacher who had the potential of greatness. Oh well. I'm sure she's still surfing that trust fund and has squelched the nasty feeling inside of failure after permitting rampant racism, anti-semitism and classissm in her classroom.

Well, I think I shall lean back and delve into Twighlight...Happy Saturday Evenings.

~Camille the Bag Lady :)

An Open Letter to the Ones I Love the Most

Dear Little Sisters,

I meant to write this letter and send it to you guys each - detailing what all I remember about each of you, how much I love you, how proud I am that you (individually and collectively) like and love me.

I was 11 when the first one of you was born. Ni-ni. I never called you that. I did toss you across the living room with Dad and you laughed and laughed and laughed at 6 months old. You have always been so beautiful and determined and fantastic. And Easy-going. You were the most laid-back baby on earth. It was funny because I was 12 and you were 1 and people always asked if you were my daughter, which i thought was f*cked up, but we were always together. You and me. You were the first person I loved in the biblical sense. There was nothing you could do in this life that I could not forgive you for (and you have tested me, little girl, you have certainly tested me). I felt as though my heart grew from nothing into bursting when you smiled at me. I knew from the time you were born that if the choice was your safe and health or my life, I would surrender my life with joy. I love you so very, very, very much. You've always known your own mind, you've always been compassionate and caring. Life will treat you well, you were born to be celebrated.

Caity-Poo. I never called you that. I was away when you were born, but i woke up out of a dead sleep the night you came into the world. Honest. I called from Germany to the States because I knew something MAJOR had happened. It had, you had come into the world! You've always been so cautious, especially with people. I figured I had to be halfway decent because by the time you were 4 you would let me read to you. I've had to earn your love and trust and that makes it all the more valuable to me. I've cherished this summer because I've had the chance to be your sister, your live-in-sick-as-hell-crazy-with-money-i-will-kill-that-boy sister. You are one of my closest friends and I just plain like you a whole lot. I think you're funny and you're so beautiful it's frightening (refer to I will kill that boy!). You are starting to find your way and I know you will do it with careful consideration and tentative steps. Every so often I may give you a shove or bribe to take action. The world needs you and is ready to love you. Work hard, resist the urge to do "just enough" because you are better than that.

Biscuit. Okay, I do call you that. You were the surprise baby. I learned about you the Christmas before you were born. It was scary. Another baby??? I didn't know if my heart could deal with loving more, I worried for 6 months if I could take the responsibility of loving yet another child. Then you were born. and you looked for all the world like a doll. A breathing doll. Turned my world upside down. Then you were cranky. 24/7 cranky. I had to work for a smile. And that was probably gas! Oy Vey! You became the center of my life and you didn't even care. You wouldn't say my name until you were two (and you started talking at 9 months or so, sheer determination is your trademark). You called me "her" or "that girl." Talk about having to earn someone's love! Good god. But you were funny and crazy smart. And high-strung. You cried when you were 3 because you couldn't read and the two big sisters could, and the parents could - it's difficult to be the baby. So, you taught yourself to read. Just to keep up. You're lovely. You're so lovely. Beautiful in appearance, but lovely of heart and soul. I know you feel alone a lot, but you have no idea how much I am there with you, in all the silent moments of uncertainty and emotional distress, I'm right there. Cause i love you girl.

to my big sister: you always did your best to protect me. life pulled us apart so early, but to me you are the icon of beauty and savvy. i always wanted to grow up and be called "sweetie." unfortunately i'm so harsh no one ever got us confused. I dared to dream, though, i dared to dream.

My sisters, I love you so much. To the babies: I pledged my life to you with each of your births. I cannot make life easier for you, but I can be here to support, love, protect and push you through life. You are all so beautiful, creative, wonderful, determined and ADORED. You are adored, not just by me, but by all who meet you. You are each funny and unique and wonderful. Thank you for choosing to come into my life, you have each made me a better person and you make it worth it to be alive when I might have given up in the past.

I adore you.

~Camille

Ich haben a new crush

Tha-thump. My heart is going tha-thump and it's not even over Gerard Butler (something else tha-thumps with his crooked smile).

I have a crush on a MIT physics professor. He's so passionate about what he does and so innovative and makes his lectures incredibly exciting and fun...what's not to love?

Check this out:

"In his lectures at ocw.mit.edu, Professor Lewin beats a student with cat fur to demonstrate electrostatics. Wearing shorts, sandals with socks and a pith helmet — nerd safari garb — he fires a cannon loaded with a golf ball at a stuffed monkey wearing a bulletproof vest to demonstrate the trajectories of objects in free fall."

I really liked physics in high school. until they made me attend class, that is. i was perfectly happy reading the book on my own. Attending class meant wasting time listening to my teacher make really bad jokes and talk about what he could recall about being a fighter jet pilot. Note to everyone: fighter jet pilots live lives on a constant shortage of oxygen, their brains are SHOT in 2-3 years. I know, I dated one. Nicest guy in the world, sweet as now n' laters, thought processes never quite made it to the 'finished' stage. There were other oddities about him, but they are too personal to divulge.

Back to the Physics thing, Physics, Calculus and Geometry are on my list of things to re-learn because I didn't get a good grasp on them the first go-round. Geometry was the most challenging because I'm not a visual person so 'visualizing' a three-dimensional anything was just a bother and my brain wasn't equipped for it. I could write a proof like nobody's business, though. I've always loved math and science, as evidenced by the fact that I'm covered up in physicists, engineers, and an assortment of polymaths as my closest friends. But it's always nice to learn something new. I had a friend, Willie, in college and we had Physics dates. I paid for all-you-can eat chinese buffet and he would spend the first half giving me the history of a theory and detailing that theory and then the second half we would debate, argue, discuss the theory. I loved him for that. I'm big on the String Harmonic Theory. That's the one that resonated for me.

Indicentally, I'm sitting up for the first time today. I really like my medicines. Why did I stop taking them? They bring out the best in me and I sleep adequately. I guess I was trying to get well too fast, to prove to all the people who have been carrying me that they didn't have to worry so much about me any more.

Yeah, worry away. I'm a hot healing mess. Thank God for my stepmom who has been bringing me food and drink every hour on the hour since 8 am. She loves me. Both my biological parents did good, they married people who could love their irritating, trouble-prone only child. They LOVE me. How fortunate a girl am I?

I'm working on the cats. I'm determined that they should love me too. But they only love me when there isn't anyone else available to love or rub-up on. I'm 4th string affection. I'm going to work on that.

Love Camille

If you think of me/If you miss me once in a while

Fawkin' body & health. that's all I have to say about that. Brought me to tears today, it did, and I don't like crying. But hey, it's the holiday season, gotta have something to get emotional and overwrought over, right?

And I'd sworn blind I would not be buying x-mas gifts and who raided Overstock.com last night and is headed over to Target.com as she types in her blog?

The title is from Tracy Chapman "The Promise" it is the most peaceful, plaintive song:

"Oh I long for you
And I have desired
To See your face
Your smile
To be with you
where-eh-eh-ver you are"

Tracy passed by me in her superdope Mercedes in SF once. Apparently she was on her way to the Lex, she was slumming or something, and she promised to come back the next night and hear these chicks Sandra and Sky play, but she didn't. Probably forgot. Got wrapped up at a wine tasting or somesuch.

The family is outside courting a boarder for the stables. I'm upstairs, inside, recovering from my bought of scary intestinal disrupt and madness. I think I will work on my story today. The other day someone asked me if it was a short story or a book. Sometimes I think I'm writing nothing but backstory and I can't answer that question at all. But I love my poor main character, though she's not poor and i don't necessarily pity her. I love her though. She's stoic and she's strong and she has deep wells of compassion and empathy. But she's not a talker, that's for durn shure.

Bebel Gilberta "Aganju" just came on. When I get tired of America I may just relocate myself to some island off of Brazil. I had a friend in New York whose fiancee's family owned an island off of Brazil. They were Hindi Indians. Very interesting.

Alright...til next time...or until I need to express myself again.

~Your Secret Heart

Getting Addicted/the Other Side of the Coin

I call it liking a routine, but really, it's more a sign that I have an obsessive personality - the way I live my life. I like to squeeze all the yummy out of things and then repeat the activity day after day after day. As long as it's good, I'm coming back. I used to hang in there once it got bad, but eventually I figured out that (especially with people) once things go bad, it's time to be out.

So, some things I've been addicted to and gone back day after day...

1 - the person I married. I don't know why. I think there were drugs involved, but I didn't do any drugs at that time. Maybe the drug was a potent mixture of fear and freedom, that's pretty heady stuff. once I was drained, I got left and I've since spent not a small amount of time making sure I'm not found again.

2 - the damn movie quiz on facebook. I think i just wasted an hour on it. But it's amazing to realize how many movies I've watched and how much of my brain has been spent recording the minutae of someone else's vision. Amazing.

3 - my friends. I go through withdrawal and the DTs when they leave me alone too much.

4 - My latest addiction has been my penpal. It's been so much fun to have someone to chat with who is new and fresh and slighty lunatic and has an interesting outlook on life. Unfortunately my penpal is not writing today and it's driving me mildly crazy. Penpal WRITE!!!! I like looking in on the thoughts of others.

5 - Ghiradelli Dark chocolate bars. This is a strange addiction because I've been off chocolate for about a year now. I used to love the stuff, but the chocolate pudding in the hospital tasted like fecal matter and nothing could make me forget that flavor. However, after the car accident the other night, I needed something to act as an anti-depressent and cacao actually fits the bill, so I had to get something in my system and 75% cacao Ghiradelli Dark chocolate bar helped me through the night. Now, I eat a square a day. Doesn't taste like fecal matter. Before all this i only liked milk chocolate. odd how tastes change.

6 - Alice smith. Metallica. Guns n roses. Talib Kweli. Luther Vandross. Citizen Cope. Azure Ray. Boy George. Amy Winehouse. Sam Cooke. Sam Cooke. Sam Cooke. Sam is better than morphine on so many levels.

The other side of addiction/obsession is getting let down, let go, or deciding you gotta stop the habit. I have a song for that, wanna hear it? Here it go:

rain is gone i feel the wind
brightest stars shinin in
a new life for love has come through
wish i had the words to describe
ridged feelings im so alive
let me tell you what i gained since leaving u

feels just like heaven
and a sunny day
definately heaven
and a sunny day
feels just like heaven
and a sunny day
basically heaven
and a sunny day

no more breathing down my back
not too sure how to act
or even waitin for you to say i love you(i love you)
ill kiss myself and say a prayer
and feel the point of lovin when you were here
lovin me means more to me then losin' you

yeah, i heard that song, it's all acoustic guitar and birdies in the background and I exhaled. I'd finally found the closure song. Prior to that it was Testify by Dianne Reeves, but then i screwed around and dated her drummer and he totally ruined my Dianne jones. It's taken years for me to separate the fact that he's on her albums with my enjoyment of said albums. Even the ones he's NOT ON. bah.

Now I'm going to end this blog and see if my penpal has found time to write. Then I will got to sleep mildly disappointed because I know the penpal hasn't written. No one has as much time on their hands as I do...

Got My Wellies on, but there’s no rain

You guys know that character on Family Guy, Glen, who goes Gididy, gididy, gididy whenever he gets around women? Yeah, THAT GUY. I danced with him at a wedding recently. (Camille breaks into spontaneous laughter) And I couldn't get away from him, he was inhumanly strong and he was "aroused" (more laughter).

But hey, we both had a good time. I don't know what just made me think of that. Funny memory.

I'm at Panera Bread pirating Internet. My Papa upended the household system...again. But hey, I figured out how to keep the cross-draft in my room from freezing me out, so I don't have any real complaints.

Okay, I'm lying, I have one. But it's w.o.r.k.-related and not that deep. Just, you know, gotta keep the vision of where I'm going - where I'm guiding the company - even when other people cannot see what I'm doing or understand it at all. What's that Chinese saying "those who cannot achieve should not tell those who can what is impossible?" Yeah, watch me shine.

I have one assignment remaining in my writing class and one of my classmates is convinced it's about to be WWF smackdown between me and the instructor. I can't imagine what makes her think that. Why do I come off so much more intensely than I actually feel about things? I mean, I just say what I'm thinking, but I guess I'm not passive-aggressive, I'm just aggressive. :)

Really, I have no problems with my instructor. She gives off-the-wall comments sometimes, but generally, she's very encouraging and I save all her comments because there is stuff I'm certain I'll understand better in the future. I appreciate the feedback, especially from another author. I just don't take all of it to heart. It's *just* feedback.

Well, I have to go and do some internet-training to the coterie of employees. Wait, I can't resist repeating the work-related comment that bugged me this morning. I hired 3 new people who didn't have the good sense to keep their salaries to themselves, so now the 3 old employees are mildly pissed. That would be THEIR problem, when you compare yourself to other people you are bound to come up short sometimes. Just the same, someone outside of the organization asked 'why are there now so many people working?'

This after months and months of me hearing how there wasn't enough staff to get anything done - daily harping and carping - not enough people to get things done. I mean, it was nearly Old Testament type crying to the Lawd about the shortage and how could pharoah be so cruel from Pharoah on down! So, I come out of the hospital, deal with crazy gonzales, move on and do three quick-hires of people with strong customer service and communication skills. Then my docs put me back on house-arrest but EVERYONE int he company makes blood vows to train the new people who have no medical background.

Fast-foward 4 weeks and now it's "there are too many people working." HUH? WHAT? You know, I need everyone to have a prescription that they take when things are getting a ltitle overwhelming so they can just chill out and leave well-enough alone. I have a plan, my superiors know I have a plan and what the plan is...the rest will work itself out.

Always Will (Love’s in Need of Love Today)

Today is a great day. The past couple of days I've been taking things a little rough, when I've been breathing the entire time. What could be better than breathing? Didn't I learn the value of breathing already this year in spades? Im back to breathing and enjoying myself.

for some reason either last night or today I was thinking about my pantheon of lovers. You know, for all the people who have passed through my life there are only three or four memorable, remarkable, noteworthy on almost every level people. There was my best love (who, appropriately, was also the worst). There is a song for him that I listen to every so often just because it's the peace and the best of what exists between us.

"Always Will" by Tweet

You keep telling me
That I'm way too sure
Of you loving me long time
But I bet you always will

In so many ways
I've run off on you
And you've been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

We're inseparable
Cause your soul's with mine
And you've, you've been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you go sail here across the ocean
I bet you always will

You can't take away
And you can't forget
That if you been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

You are worthy
Cause it's evident
That you been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can go sail the ocean
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
The Earth or the Moon
Heart to heart, we're still in tune
And you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I don't even care if we're not together
Cause that's the part that never lasts forever
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can sail the ocean
I bet you always will

I bet you always will....

*Incidentally, another noteworthy person was the one who showed me all kinds of new things and challenged me to draw the line and keep my head while I enjoyed the bubbly bennies of love. For that person there is a poem, but that's privee. There was a one-night stand who did everything wrong (he cooked and i got sick the next morning) and everything right (love across language barriers). There is the guy who turned me down f.l.a.t. because he felt I was too casual, then turned around and told me he loved me months later once I was enjoying a brief fling with a flaky musician. But, this guy was so worthy that earning his adoration restored my faith in myself and by that time the rest of my personal ship was really, really shaky. Number four is a secret (wink, wink).

Well, back to the drawing board on the writing homework. Instructor is confused. The only writing is re-writing (i hate rewriting, but i'm not alone, most authors despise the activity - there is comfort in numbers)

The Wheel of Fortune Says Success

I wanna go to Singapore. Birds pick your fortune, there aren't any taxes, and there was a LV Suhali L'Impeteux bag being sold from there a week ago on Ebay and I had to make myself NOT buy it even though it was Robin's Egg blue.

I wanna go to Singapore. I wanna go to Singapore. If I close my eyes and click my heels three times do you think I'll open my eyes in Singapore?

But I'm buying some property right now so I ought not to buy a LV Suhali in robin's egg blue until I close on the place and recover from the financial onslaught.

Word of Caution: to all those who are all hot and bothered to be a part of the real estate market- TAKE YOUR TIME!!! I can't tell how many people I know jumped in with both feet and felt their "investments" turn into lodestones around their necks, driving them into deep debt, misery, romantic strain and breakup, and even bankruptcy at a very young age.

Don't be a "wannabe investor" as in "you want to be." Get an education. Ummm. Not the Donald Trump and Rich Dad, Poor Dad dog and pony show. Don's first book is great, genius, everything after that, he's making money off any poor sod who will sink their funds into his persona - not his particular real estate genius.

I have a lot of friends who sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into one-bedroom condos in "developed" areas. Read: They made sure the serious investors, the ones who got in as the area started to develop and got out before the building broke ground - made their money in spades. Now they are stuck with hundreds-of-thousands-of-dollars worth of mortgage on an "investment" that isn't even their primary homestead.

It's generally a bad sign if there are more than 100 places within 10 blocks available that are exactly LIKE WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT BUYING. Put your money in a money market, amass 3-7 months of expenses, take a vacation, chill out. And to all those people who say "they aren't making any more land." Well, actually, yes they are. The king of Dubai just had a palm-tree shaped island created in the middle of the Sea, global warming is receding waterlines everywhere, making land more available, and GUESS WHAT - buildings GO UP not just out.

It's just not that crucial to own property. You probably are not making your landlord rich, but you can make yourself rich while you rent without being a total pauper. Check out Dave Ramsey www.daveramsey.com - the guy has good sense and gives the same advice anyone who knew a knut about money and cared as much about you would do.

Best Luck and Happy Weekend...