Wishes for Sons

i wish them cramps
i wish them a strange town
and the last tampon
i wish them no 7-11

i wish them one week early
and wearing a white skirt
i wish them one week late

later i wish them hot flashes
and clots like you
wouldn't believe. let thee
flashes come when they
meet someone special.
let the clots come
when they want to.

let them think they have accepted
arrogance in the universe.
then bring them to gynecologists
not unlike themselves.

~Lucille Clifton

"She has what it takes to make something of herself." - Marilla on Anne

Everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING, offends my vanity. I'm not feeling expansive at all. In the least. Today I just had a full-on breakdown. Tears, whining, the works. Very tragic. I do not care to explain what business J. and I have together. Suffice it to say I'm happy. WE NEED AND DESERVE OUR OWN COMPASSION. I think, instead of modern-day romances by authors other than Nora Roberts, I might consider reading some "health and recovery" books. I need and deserve my own compassion. Today I gave myself bathhouse treatment - oiled the hair, clipped the nails, steamed in fragrant waters. i wonder if there are bathhouses in Sydney - my next destination. I shaved. Then I took myself shopping. Bought furry flip-flop houseshoes and polo shirts. I wanted to cry all week - I'm in the wrong place, but last week i was so very, very happy. i do not know why my mood has shifted, but shift it has indeed. And how. Guess my whores are moanin'. And I'm probably not getting nearly enough exercise while at the saem time demanding that I run myself all over creation trying to please and seem pleasing. I've been castigating myself over the relationship with J. and non-disclosure. But really it is not anyone's business. On that much I am clear - I am also clear that I need a nail file for my toes. Anywho. I've been trying to do so much while mourning the end of one era and feeling completely undone by the start of a new one. I needed to take it easy last week. It was a period of mourning for me. It is very difficult to provide emotional support for two other people when you're in desperate need of it yourself! Whew. "We need and deserve our own compassion." I also need and deserve to write R. I'm tired of feeling so much unsaid and so very unsure of the state of our friendship. Such is life that we are infinately better friends than even fantasy lovers. This is familiar. Maybe because it does not smack of the forbidden - I do not know. But friendship is sacred and should not be changed, even when it is challenged. So I will nudge, I will challenge him and myself to show ourselves and one another greater compassion.