Roxanne

Roxanne
I am listening to Ewan McGregor's fast and funk-y version of this song from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack...I need to download that movie onto my iPod. Anyway, here I am, back to doing what I do.

I had a moment this weekend. Life has been coming at me quite rapidly (that's me avoiding a trademark infringement) of late, I've been integrating into day-to-day life, the one that got disassembled around late february of last year. So, I've visited the office, I've started back to sorting through the miscellany of my life, piled high in corners of my house. Hint: most of this shit is going to the garbage. I take my little no-more-than 5 pound bags and feel quite accomplished. Every day a couple of bags. I've learned how to do things slowly in this past year. I've learned how to plan down to the bones every activity, but lately I've been feeling overwhelmed.

Then, this weekend I watched Akeelah and the Bee. Part of feeling overwhelmed was having more factors in my life than I'm accustomed to: agendas of others and everything. Who ARE these other people? Passers-by. Has anyone else noticed that the people who raise the most hell are the ones who spend the least amount of time in any given environment? You just can't sustain hellraising when you're a part of a group, when you're linked or otherwise bonded to other human beings in a consistent fashion. Ubuntu, you know, being human only through other humans. You cannot raise hell among your close fellow humans, but you can certainly do drive-by hellraisings.

So, there's been some hellraising in my life and I've had my internal head cocked to the side and my eyes slightly squinted wondering just what the fuck all these other people are going through and why they are dialing my number with their problems? That, I've realized, is entirely too much thought to give to these issues. Too much weight. I don't know if I'll ever say, "listen, you're an idiot and your business plan was purchased for $5.99 on legal.com. go away." But that's what I'm thinking. All.the.time.

Back to Akeelah. With all these different factors and whatnot I've been distracted from my books - from reading and writing and so forth. Agitating in the extreme (for me that means I spend a few hours a day wondering how to remedy my block and eat a lot of yogurt). Anyway, watching Akeelah I realized I simply needed to shift focus. I looked to the side for the equivalent of five minutes, being helpful, and danged if I lost track of my words. Danged if I didn't.

There is a quote in the book by spiritulist and writer Marianne Williamson that talks about the moral/spiritual/sentient being imperative to be the very best of ourselves. To let our individual light shine, as it gives others permission to shine their own. Obliterate the light, try to hide it, and we feed the darkness. I know of darkness, I know of living life with a boulder on your soul's shoulders and still seeking the sun. That life is over for me, so it's important that those passing by or passing through understand that even if they are slick enough to fool the people close to me, I'm not fooled.

These things resolve themselves one way or the other. In the meantime, I'm writing, I got a new fountain pen (Pelikan - aaaaahhhhhhh) and returning to the pleasure principle I've honed in the past year.

Can you believe I've been having surgery and hanging out at the hospital for an entire year of my adult life? Wow. What a year. Now...two years of recovery. Two years! Wow. I'm smiling. I'm so happy to be healthy that my toes curl in anticipation of the next milestone. i don't even know what it will be. Probably some incredibly unpleasant test or (infinitely less exciting) nerve pain that indicates new healing. There was talk of putting an implant on my spinal cord. I shit you not. I drew the line at that. I have, of course, drawn the line in the past to no avail, but I just can't reconcile myself with having an implant on my spinal cord. The longterm indications are not encouraging and just to correct some weird nerve damage that could very well correct itself in not too long? I trust my body to heal itself on that front, it's ambitious, I'm young and I appear healthy (getting closer on the inside and it feels so good!)

So, this message jumps around a lot. I generalized. Mostly i talked about work and keeping my mind sequestered away and honoring my priorities and ignoring the priorities of others. Life is simpler that way.

Go out and jump around in the world!

'Til Niagara Falls (did anyone else love that book in elementary school?),

Secret Heart