Bag Lady

Curses! i have a catheter! It has been my longest-running medical bag. Perhaps I will attach a pic that will show some of the shorter-lived IV bags, they tended to go through 4/8/12 hour changes.

But this catheter. Oh, this catheter. I've had it (in some incarnation) for weeks now. I've wearied of carrying it around. Of course, my nerves tremble when I am without it because my bladder does not function so without the catheter I've no way to release water. Other than my bladder bursting, but at this point in the game, I'd really just rather not.

I'm supposed to be sleeping. I suppose I am sleepy. But I have all manner of thoughts bouncing around my head. I've just had a slew of major surgeries and I'm questioning my relationship because my significant other has been significantly absent every time I've come home from the hospital. I'm hoping this isn't a curse, like he comes home and I go back in. That would suck.

And I'm thinking about my life and what I want for myself and who I am as I see me versus who I am when viewed through the prism of what other people see - the reconciliation of those identities. I think I can say with total conviction that I'm finished with being self destructive. So...now I have to fight out how to be self-productive.

With some luck and bladder medication I have a good chance of losing the catheter this week. Maybe I'll end up back in diapers (I've had the pleasure of experiencing adult diaper rash, I totally sympathize with babies now and forgive my little sister for being incredibly difficult as a child). I could appreciate losing the catheter.

I've got to figure a lot of things out.