Gift to Me Forever

I just finished writing out my maid of honor toast for the wedding in Belize I won't be attending today. I think I did a fair job. I was mildly confused cause I didn't know if I was supposed to have something for the bride and groom, but since I'm in the hospital, I took license and did as I pleased. I wrote to my best friend, the Bride, inserted a comment to the Groom from my grandmother, then finished up with an e.e. cummings poem as dedication to my friend from all of us whe were unable to be present for our myriad reasons.

All in all, I think it went well, but it did make me cry, my one moment of true disappointment as I enjoy the affects of rapidly improving health: that my imnprovement has not been fast enough to allow me to stand with my friend on her joyous occasion. Obviously she will have to have another ceremony so I can attend and put the Earth back on its axis.

Grandma is getting her fill of trashy news coverage. She is a junky for CNN and Fox News Network and their ilk. For some reason learning the overhyped idiocy of others really engages her and makes her toes tingle. And she's a little hard of hearing, so the agreement we made was that I would ignore the talking box by listening to music and she would keep it at an acceptable decibel level. She forgets, though, and ratchets up the volume on the most inane stories until I have to request again that she lower the volume.

Now I understand why my homegirl Kimmie put herself to bed and has refused to leave in the two days since her mother and grandmother's flew back out of town for the holiday. It's exhausting...

i'm going back to my pre-vitals-activity of napping. Then I'll call Kimmie and see if she's come back from the great beyond of 'family time.'

~c-dub

I’d Like to Try to share a Kiss or Two with You

This love endeavor/don't have to last forever/

Courtesy of Alice Smith.

There isn't that much going on in these parts. Oh, Cornelius came by and hung out in the hospital room for a while. He brought me two TWO books to read. He brought me Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman and Twilight by somebody Meyer. Cornelius is a teacher and he lets his students choose the books they want to read (not revolutionary, but all the middle-aged teachers who thought their predecessors were nutjobs for allowing children self-determination are running scared. Essentially, as Cornelius and my Grandmother (a former college educator concluded) teachers are becoming obsolete.

I would ammend that: Good teachers are dynamic and always in demand. Mediocre teachers are obsolete and have been for as long as they have been in existence. They encourage young minds to give up early because hard work is, well, too hard. Teachers are not the only culprits, parents are equally guilty and one cannot assign too much blame to peers - of couirse kids want to get out of school/homeWORK etc. early, they don't see that one day they will be dreaded adults and need all those skills they skipped over in school, by their own volition or the ignorance of their parents, teachers and guardians.

A great teacher sets a student's soul aflame either with soft puffs of knowledge or rip-roaring flames of enthusiasm. A mediocre teacher is a wet towel in the rain. I've had the good fortune to have some fantastic teachers: Mrs. Edwards in the third grade appealed to my inner bottomless pit of a stomach by giving out free personal pan pizzas (Book It!) when a student read 6 books. I read six books in a week to get my weekly pizza and my total dedication to the joy of eating and reading let to my class winning the Book It prize for the school - a Free Pizza Party. That's a GREAT Teacher.

On the other hand, I had Ms. Sally Scudder in high school and she was a mediocre teacher with the political connections to get access to extremely bright students. She did give me a great quote. As she started our first class she said "Until this day you have dealth with challenges, not problems. I am going to introduce you to problems and many of them you will not be able to solve."

I thought that was brilliant. But she failed in her calling not because her subject matter was difficult, but because she allowed her own prejudices and emotional imbalances to exclude students who were not part of her and her family's social circle. She discriminated and thus became a mediocre teacher who had the potential of greatness. Oh well. I'm sure she's still surfing that trust fund and has squelched the nasty feeling inside of failure after permitting rampant racism, anti-semitism and classissm in her classroom.

Well, I think I shall lean back and delve into Twighlight...Happy Saturday Evenings.

~Camille the Bag Lady :)

An Open Letter to the Ones I Love the Most

Dear Little Sisters,

I meant to write this letter and send it to you guys each - detailing what all I remember about each of you, how much I love you, how proud I am that you (individually and collectively) like and love me.

I was 11 when the first one of you was born. Ni-ni. I never called you that. I did toss you across the living room with Dad and you laughed and laughed and laughed at 6 months old. You have always been so beautiful and determined and fantastic. And Easy-going. You were the most laid-back baby on earth. It was funny because I was 12 and you were 1 and people always asked if you were my daughter, which i thought was f*cked up, but we were always together. You and me. You were the first person I loved in the biblical sense. There was nothing you could do in this life that I could not forgive you for (and you have tested me, little girl, you have certainly tested me). I felt as though my heart grew from nothing into bursting when you smiled at me. I knew from the time you were born that if the choice was your safe and health or my life, I would surrender my life with joy. I love you so very, very, very much. You've always known your own mind, you've always been compassionate and caring. Life will treat you well, you were born to be celebrated.

Caity-Poo. I never called you that. I was away when you were born, but i woke up out of a dead sleep the night you came into the world. Honest. I called from Germany to the States because I knew something MAJOR had happened. It had, you had come into the world! You've always been so cautious, especially with people. I figured I had to be halfway decent because by the time you were 4 you would let me read to you. I've had to earn your love and trust and that makes it all the more valuable to me. I've cherished this summer because I've had the chance to be your sister, your live-in-sick-as-hell-crazy-with-money-i-will-kill-that-boy sister. You are one of my closest friends and I just plain like you a whole lot. I think you're funny and you're so beautiful it's frightening (refer to I will kill that boy!). You are starting to find your way and I know you will do it with careful consideration and tentative steps. Every so often I may give you a shove or bribe to take action. The world needs you and is ready to love you. Work hard, resist the urge to do "just enough" because you are better than that.

Biscuit. Okay, I do call you that. You were the surprise baby. I learned about you the Christmas before you were born. It was scary. Another baby??? I didn't know if my heart could deal with loving more, I worried for 6 months if I could take the responsibility of loving yet another child. Then you were born. and you looked for all the world like a doll. A breathing doll. Turned my world upside down. Then you were cranky. 24/7 cranky. I had to work for a smile. And that was probably gas! Oy Vey! You became the center of my life and you didn't even care. You wouldn't say my name until you were two (and you started talking at 9 months or so, sheer determination is your trademark). You called me "her" or "that girl." Talk about having to earn someone's love! Good god. But you were funny and crazy smart. And high-strung. You cried when you were 3 because you couldn't read and the two big sisters could, and the parents could - it's difficult to be the baby. So, you taught yourself to read. Just to keep up. You're lovely. You're so lovely. Beautiful in appearance, but lovely of heart and soul. I know you feel alone a lot, but you have no idea how much I am there with you, in all the silent moments of uncertainty and emotional distress, I'm right there. Cause i love you girl.

to my big sister: you always did your best to protect me. life pulled us apart so early, but to me you are the icon of beauty and savvy. i always wanted to grow up and be called "sweetie." unfortunately i'm so harsh no one ever got us confused. I dared to dream, though, i dared to dream.

My sisters, I love you so much. To the babies: I pledged my life to you with each of your births. I cannot make life easier for you, but I can be here to support, love, protect and push you through life. You are all so beautiful, creative, wonderful, determined and ADORED. You are adored, not just by me, but by all who meet you. You are each funny and unique and wonderful. Thank you for choosing to come into my life, you have each made me a better person and you make it worth it to be alive when I might have given up in the past.

I adore you.

~Camille