No murder, no Suicide

Sometimes I wish I knew life with no pain, wish I held the key to this game, sometimes...
~Bilal

it's not been such a hot time lately. My intestines joined the mafia or something and they are all about slow, terrible torturing but i'm not sure the information they wish to extract. I mean...what did I do?

Either way, it's been awful. I had my quarterly nervous breakdown last night/this morning. I called Ray and screeled until the valium kicked in. then I woke up and tried to say how much living hurt to the visigoth, but he had something else on his mind and I can't claim coherence since I sleep in two-hour episodes that end with sharp abdominal pain and stumbling runs to the loo.

Luckily grandma was here. As a professional drama queen herself she was fairly unfazed by my hurling myself up and down the stairs, choking sobs, insane babbling and incoherent complaints. She just held me and told me I was worth something, I was worth something to her and she needed me. And somewhere between us crying to one another, me at her knee and her bent over holding my poor aching head, I decided I would keep on living cause someone needs me and depends on me even if I don't know how to navigate my own life any longer. I can't sleep through it, I can't bluff through it, I'm just living and while that is a miracle in itself every once in a while I get above myself and want more.

I want to be happy again. I want to be pain free. Like Bilal I want a life with no pain or at least not pain that is more reliable than the sun and moon and michael jackson being crazy.

Today is not a good day. I need to smooth my heart down. "I can see chaos headed straight for me/give me the dark now/let the sun ignore me/everythings alright/even what ain't good for me."

Thanks to Cree Summer for that.