Preciso Me Encontrar

The translation I've figured for the title is "Necessary to Find Me" and it's from a song by Brazilian songwriter singer Cartola, who received zero recognition until he'd been dead for 20 good years. The song has always mesmerized me, maybe i will try to add it to this blog so it will play while someone reads.

But I especially like the idea of necessary to find me. My dearest friend Kyle decided to spend her spring break at my casa. she's downstairs watching The Devil Wears Prada and thoroughly vegging out. We've eaten out, spent more money than I actually have and laughed and talked and had a raging good time. But at a slow pace. She was there for the first surgery, she knows the clues when I'm flagging and she doesn't like to see me going down so we keep it simple.

Today, in spite of myself, I bought an Easter Dress. At every turn I try and try and try some more to reject my traditional middle-class black upbringing but it's like kicking the white horse or something, i can-not do it completely.If someone is coming to visit me I HAVE to clean the house. I HAVE to clean it, it's a compulsion i fight by leaving the house, shopping, reading books, driving aimlessly but within 30 minutes of my guests' arrival I am a whirlwind of industry - shooing out dustballs, vaccuming, dusting, washing dishes, wiping down all surfaces and extra-sanitizing the restrooms. I put on new sheets and open the window so the breeze airs out any odors. I spritz a bit of Lemongrass Linen spray on the bed linen and berry spray in the air. 30 minutes, without fail, i cannot and will not stop doing this.

Anyway, I went tot he store to buy jeans or shoes or towels or anything EXCEPT an easter dress. my poor grandmother, i know she wants in her deepest heart for me to be with her in church as proof positive that not all her descendents are self-centered asses, and I found myself today in the store gravitating toward the dresses with the excuse "well, i couldn't find any shoes and they did have a cute dress last week." it fit like a dream and then i declared it my Easter Dress. No forethought, but now i'm spiritually committed to going to Easter service and being Christian. Again. Catholics lapse, what do Christians do? I'm more of an amalgamation of Christian (by indoctrination), Buddhist (by exposure), Taoist (by choice), and Catholic (cause it's complex and has lots of holidays!).

In celebration of my buddhist and catholic traditions i also bought two new rosary necklaces and bracelets from some monastery dedicted to St. Benedict in Rome. You gotta love Ebay. I get Chooka rainboots from China before they hit the stores in the U.S. or Europe because someone threw them off the back of the truck (euphamism for they went missing from the factory's intended shipment) and now i'm gettin gmy holy relics straight from the source - patrizia. That's her name. Oddly enough, the majority of the time I've spent in St. Lucia has been at a Benedictine Monastery run by nuns. Mother Superior is Italian and oh my god, her cooking makes me believe in a higher power! never do I eat better and they only cook what they can grow. the wine - well, i'm well accustomed to cold red wine at this point. Those holidays at the monastary helped me keep my sanity and once i even met a delightful priest who was on holiday, Father Tom - if i looked in my journals i could give you his URL. He's always got something stimulating up, some dissertation on the heavens and god's will and human frailty. He used to be an engineer and left the field because it was cold and heartless. Then God Found Him.

So, we're back to the beginning - necessary to find me. Right now I find myself in a nervolous place, there are people depending on me do accomplish things I no longer believe i can do before I have surgery and take at least 3 weeks getting over anesthesia and the terrible shock of seeing where they cut me open (for a girl this vain it's a real deal killer. i didn't mind surgery as much as i minded the sutured incisions, I kept repeating "they cut me! they cut me!" in my head, of course.) I do have quite a bit of writing to catch up on, I just got my first edits back from one of my readers and they are exactly what I needed, just a push in the direction of making the writing cleaner, clearer, less dependent upon what is in my head and better translated for the recipient. Go Reader!

Preciso Me Encontrar is a love song by the way. It is necessary to find the one whom you were born to love, but jesus, you may have to look long and hard and a little past yourself to get there.

best of luck.