Here I sit in hospital all broken hearted....

I think spending *too* much quality time in the hospital qualifies as travelling to some foreign place. Like other countries, hospitals are anoter organism and society entirely. the people from 11:00 am to 3a.m shift are the worst to deal with. They are relentless, they want to stay awake so by virtue of being a hapless victim and being insured, you, too are requirired to stay awake. Alll night long they take your vitals: your name, d.o.b., why you are in the hospital *yes, they ask you thatm shit evvery two hours*, what your pain level is (scale of 1-10, nevermind you're hooked up to morphine and your total fadeouts have become the stuff of familhy mirth , they take your blood pressure, your temp blahblabhblah

at some point i thpught all this might have been more productive if there had been the been the birth of a child involed, then the sudden and cataclysmic loss of buckets of blood would have been expected or something. a coupkw days agp i hemorraghed and ended back in the operating room.. my mom says i went white a sheet. i dodnt rememberr feeling anything, just a little anger cause this could not be good and my annoyance because my mom was on the edge of freakingn and yeah, it was a lot of blood, but i reallly, really, wanted to take a nap or at least lie down.

my homegirl jennifer was walking into the room just as i lost those quarts so for 15 minutes i would have looooong blinks and in my line of vision each time, there was jenn. she looked stern, but unflinching and as they moved me to the gurney to return to the O.R. I asked her to come with - there had to be someone for my mom. i remember holding her hand.

i don't have a crapload of energy -but something jenn got in those 15 minutes is something most of the people around me havent caught on to (save my parents, they have been front and center) i don't need other people every second of every day and i would like to sleep the night thru (impossibnle since they need every vital on me since i was BoRN) but to open your eyes and see someone impassive who when you reach out your hand is there to hold it, well, those are the small moments out of which we spin lives most delicate bonds and delights.